4D Hits Cinemas!

As 3D hits the high streets and the digital airwaves, movie makers are moving with the times to add another dimension to the cinema going experience for those willing to make a drastic change to their look. A third eye made out of the revolutionary 4D Matter© uses quantum entanglement to allowing viewer to not just see the movie, but to see all the other movies that the film makers might have made if they hadn't been working on this particular movie.

Julie Designerjeans enjoys the inifnite alternative endings to the latest Harry Potter movie

“This really takes movies to the next level,” chronic early-adopter Julie Designerjeans told me after a screening of James Cameron's latest sci fi epic, Megalomania 2. “Oh, the movie was rubbish, but in another version of reality, the catering company was involved in this really terrific drama with Helen Mirren as a feisty, no-nonsense Queen and Christopher Lee as a wise-cracking robot. It was amazing, the best movie Cameron never made!”

The 4D technology works by wiring an extra eyeball that's been constructed entirely from exotic 4D Matter©, into the viewer's optic nerve. The process has been developed by high tech start up company, Godel-Escher-Bark Enterprises.

GEB's head of marketing, Jeorg Wensleslas explains: “4D Matter© picks up photons emitted by light sources excluded from our universe by quantum wave collapses. Every time Tom Cruise agrees to do a film, he has to turn down another film. In another universe, however, the decision went the other way, and he was in – say – Inglourious Basterds instead of Brad Pitt. Wouldn't you want to see that? Of course you would! Well now the 4D Matter© viewing system allows you to see all these movies at once!”

On the small matter of having a third eye implanted in one's forehead, Wensleslas is dismissive. “A public that can accept wearing those silly 3D glasses is surely ready for major brain surgery. It's not that big a step.”

Julie Designerjeans agrees. “It's quite a fad, and all the girls want to know about it! On the other hand, it does make choosing dinner a nuisance. I'm never quite sure what I'm going to get.”

So far, movie studios have been lukewarm on the idea, but legendary cult film director Geezer Weinberg has high hopes for the new technology. “Look, I don't even have to make a movie at all anymore. Just hire a bunch of nobodies sitting in an empty room for two hours and release it uncut. The audience get to the see the movie I might have made if I gave a crap. Let some schmuck in another universe go to all the trouble of actually making the movie!”